THE REST OF MY TEENAGE POETRY

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ON TO THE DE-CLUTTERING

singing in a band

his eyes shut

his mind full of emotions

the words cut

thru the air

and reach

only me.

i loved him

but he didn't know

i cared.

the years went by

i waited

now he knows 

now he cares

(Connie-July 24, 1973)

there's an emptiness in my soul

and i've got to fill it

i've got to reach my goal

and try to make it fit

there's a shallowness in my mind

only one thought comes thru

there's a depth i need to find

so i can love you too

i have a gladness in my heart

and only in my dreams

do i fit the part

in reality i'm loose at the seams

there's a sadness in my thoughts

of a special little love

i think of all my faults

wonder what she's thinking of

(Connie-August 1, 1973)

i'm tired of all your lying

i can see right thru it

and i only end up crying

falling bit by bit

i'm tired of hearing about your climb

when you always stumble down

it always leaves me in a bind

and you know you'll be found

i'm tired of believing

in such things as you

you've only been deceiving 

but to you, that's nothing new

(Connie-August 2, 1973)

reach out and grab me

pull me close to you

please don't set me free

tell me what to do

reach out and touch my mind

combine our thoughts

tell me what you find

tell me not my faults

reach out and love me

wrap our bodies together

try to make me see

strike me with your leather

(Connie-Aug.2, 1973)

i can't wait another day

i need to be with you

it hurts to have to stay

i need to be able to love you

what i have on my mind

needs doing now

i don't want any more time

i want to do it now

if i only had the wings

i'd be there with you

and i'd do all the things

that you'd want me to.

(Connie-August, 1973)

feeling broken

twisted and torn

needing to know a

feeling

a love for me

not a physical

relationship

mental

touch my mind

not my body

love my mind

and my body

but love me first

mentally

for all i'm worth

not physically

(Connie-August, 1973)

he looks at me

his dark eyes

piercing

holes thru me

knowing me better

than myself

looking at me

thinking his thoughts

that belong 

only to him

i know i'll never

find out

unless

he wants me to

smiling at me

for some unknown

reason

and i'm wondering

and he keeps me

that way;

wondering 

and more

wrapped up in him

than ever

(Connie, Sept. 27, 1973)

here i am

hanging on to whatever

he will give me

wanting him

but not wanting

him to know

how i care

yet he does

i feel it

he's puling me

behind a string

i want to grab it

but if i do

i'm afraid

it will be pulled 

AWAY

(Connie-Sept. 1973)

the silence of his smile

puzzles me

the shine in his eyes

makes me wonder

the simple expressions

torture my mind

his certain phrases

worry me

but those little things

have wrapped up my entire mind

around him

(Connie-Sept. 1973)

can i make you love me

or do i calmly wait

do you already like me

tell me how do i rate

can i make you want me

or do you already

i wish i could see

inside your mind and know

can i touch you

can i try to see

if you want me

to love you

are you waiting

as i am

or has my imagination

gone wild

(Connie-1973)

i'm old and withering

catch me before i fall

make me young once again

and show me fun

love me till we can't no more

wait awhile and

start all over again

kiss me now

while i'm still strong

look at me

all the wrinkles are gone

you have revived me

you have loved me

do it again

(Connie, Sept. 27, 1973)

we are stoned

in and out and all around

loving you loving me

to all extremes

kissing you kissing me

wanting more

touching you touching me

probing deeper

loving stronger

hazy, smokey,

flight in existence

try again

up once more

time is there

but on our side

there is no separation

(Connie-Sept. 1973)

i want someone to love me

to walk with me

on a lonely beach

i want someone who can see

the beauty of the waves

and the sunset

i want someone who can be

a part of earth's existence

a grain of sand

to live the life's abundance

as much as he can.

(Connie- Sept. 30, 2973)

people are all around

faces i have never seen

bodies i have never touched

my body is within it's bound

the dew of grass i have found

dark and wet and funny air

no one here has a care

until a beam of lights shine thru

everyone's scattered, what's to do

it's out to be cool

it's alright in the misty air

the man's no fool

he just doesn't care

closing time is near falling

time it is, to be balling

no one here is saying no.

(Connie-1973)(sept)

i love you 

but you don't know

and if you did

would you care

i want you

and that you know

but still

do you care

what is there

that i can do

to make you see to make you care?

(Connie-Oct. 11, 1973)

if you don't want me

why don't you say so

why can't you just let me be

why won't you let go

if you don't care for me

just tell me please

why can't you see

my tears falling, like leaves

if you don'tt like me

tell me to go away

don't keep me hanging on

what more can i say

(Connie-Oct. 13, 1973)

whatever you do to me

please don't lie

you don't know it, but i can see

that you're lying thru your eyes

i want you to be truthful

even though it may hurt

i'd rather to know and be tearful

now...than to be stepped on like dirt

tell me what you're thinking

don't sugar coat it for me

my heart is slowly sinking

so tell me and let it be

(Connie-Oct. 12, 1973)

people seem to be so inconsiderate

they don't seem to realize the harm they do

they do it without even knowing

i guess tht i'm guilty of it, too

but it always seems to happen to me

i'm always the one who gets hurt

maybe it's my fault fort getting so involved

it leaves me feeling like a hunk of dirt

i'm leaving this town for peace of mind

i'm leaving on the midnight train

i'm trying to get away from the hurt,

it seems i always cry when it rains

(Connie -Oct. 13, 1973)

And it did, always seem like when something happened to me, it rained.  I use to say when I cry, the world cries with me.  But then it was like the world is raining, so know something is going to hurt me.  As I type all these silly teenage poems in here and I do remember the poet's name now-Rod McKuen, my English teacher did not like him or his poetry. He thought that was a poor excuse for a poet so he probably won't like mine either. but that's okay. 

WHAT I HAVE REALLY NOTICED ABOUT THE POEMS FROM 1973 I FEEL LIKE THEY APPLY TO ME FROM THE AGE OF 17 AND STILL APPLY TO ME AT 62--

THAT IS CALLED A TRAGEDY OF LIFE

always seem to be begging for love

why do we have to die

why will some of us go young

and make our loved ones cry

why do we have to suffer the pain

of dying, of knowing

that nothing's left, it's insane

why do we have to grow old

some senile, some okay

why does the end have to be 

so cold,

alone.

(Connie-Nov. 1973)

i had so much time

such a long chance

stalled for too long'lost it all

lost the man

lost the love

lost it all

but in good time

why didn't i go

leave it all behind

but i didn't know

our love could die

i thought eventually

he would come back

i thought someday

it would all work out

i thought too much

i didn't realize

lived in a dream

and lost everything

(Connie-Dec. 14, 1973)

Sounds like the story of my life, played over and over and over and over............

I tried years later after I had been married one year and divorced to write again but it just wasn't there and now I am 62, going to school, two grown sons, and these poems could be a repeat over and over of the way I have always wanted to be loved by everybody all the time.  This is creepy since I have written them out and observed reading them as I went along to see how they affect me or if they were just words.

And who were all these poems written about because the time they were written could be several people but the others could be later in life, it is so creepy to find that through all these years I am still the same damn person.

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