OH, I HAVE TO KEEP SOME OF THIS, IT IS SO ME

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TO TRUST ANOTHER HUMAN BEING-one of the biggest emotional chances I can take. Even though I cannot be sure that the other person won't hurt me, I have this real bad habit of talking to someone, anyone, that what I say in that conversation stays in that conversation with that person. Bam!  ReallY?  YES!! That is still how I am and it just never gets better.

Without this risk of trusting someone, I risk my depression, loneliness and more anxiety, oh well, that's my life.  Then I read, if a woman has trouble trusting, it's unlikely that she will have  healthy relationships.  Really?

TRUST is suppose to be liberating. If it exists, I will have the freedom to give my opinions, reveal my feelings and show my true self without worrying that what I share will be used against me. Plus I can be comfortable taking this person at their word, whatever the promise is made or said.

It is up to both people in any relationship to demonstrate, through words and actions, that they can be trusted in ways that matter.  I cannot force another person to like me or keep things to themselves when they have already shown me that they will repeat everything I say to them to someone else.  Don't use me for information about another person.  That is just wicked and evil.

How can I find out if this person is ever going to be trustworthy when my guts speaks volumes and I need to determine if someone is truly worthy of my faith.

I am told I have to understand my past.  Low self-esteem, previous betrayals, parents or others that belittled me, distant or unreliable cause women to become extremely guarded.  These factors can also make someone so desperate for close connections that her needs cloud her judgment.  She may be repeatedly relying on the wrong people and open herself up to the kind of pain she is hoping to avoid.  Then it hurts so, so bad.  I think we can all feel a real broken heart. I know I can. Here are some questions that are suppose to help people like me.  I am not real sure how that works, as I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist and none of this childhood stuff seems to matter much.

Did you feel safe as a child?

Could you rely on your parents to keep their promises?Did they belittle you or cause you to second-guess yourself?

Were you always trying to please them, even though nothing you did ever seemed good enough?

Did they trust each other?

Were they suspicious of other people's Motives?

Really, my trust issues started with those questions, then I might as well hang it up since I am 62 years old, that nothing will ever change.  Not only was it not good enough for the parents, but I have not been good enough for the kids or anybody else for that matter.  This whole thing is rather ridiculous when I think about it.  Because basically what I am doing, writing all this down on a blod on a computer is spilling my guts nationwide to whoever decides to read this making me the most vulnerable person in the world about my own feelings.  What the hell is this suppose to accomplish? I know I read a woman's blog about depression and being bi-polar and she wrote some pretty amazing stories in an offbeat kind of way.  The stories became like a fantasy walk inside someone's mind but this here is the kind of gut spilling that can make you bleed.

Did I hear promises the other person didn't make?

What were your expectations and were they realistic?

Were there warning signs that the person wasn't dependable?

If so, did you simply not see them, or did you make excuses for their behavior?

Were you honest with each other about your values and goals?

Did you make yourself vulnerable by trying to create intimacy too early in the relationship?

How has that experience influenced your willingness to form new friendships or romances?

This is hysterical, why do I keep these things.  If I am the same way I have always been at this age I am now, I don't think anything will ever improve in this part of my personality.  I have been ripped apart so many times and just like a baby, come crawling back for people to kick me down more.  I just never learn to keep a safe distance form anyone.  And then I am accused of keeping a wall up and not letting anybody in.  I can't win in these situations.

my heart is heavy and tired.

I don't gossip. If you tell me something, it stays with us. I just expect the same from everybody else without having to say this.

I have always listened to the kids about everything.  I always wanted honesty.  And for the most part, I feel like that was the way it was even with my son's friends.  I always told them no matter what it was, or how bad they thought it might be, tell me the truth and we will work on whatever situation they hand me.  My son even told one of his friends when I asked a question one time, to tell the truth it is much better.  I was always glad for my son and his friends to feel comfortable with me even if they were not telling their parents, at least they had somebody to talk too.

Anyway, there are always more questions to ask yourself, and how much do you really want to confide in someone.  I guess I always do it too soon and I can't say it has been an easy life but it has been a most interesting one.  

I think I should stop here.  I see where people have eyed my rantings but nobody has left a comment but I know someone is there, just not who so that makes it kind of uncomfortable but I am finding this is a good process for me to clean out my closets. So hopefully, nobody will take a punch at me here.