"What I Want"

 

             I love this poem better than any others we have gone over so far.  Bilgere's character was like a thin line of love and hate.  His quality of writing is superb.  When I first read this poem, I read it silently to myself, but I actually laughed out loud.  So I read it again out loud and I laughed again.

             I loved the way he talked about what he wants because it was free and refreshing. He  wanted simple things like a good night's sleep and other carefree things.  I loved the way he would go from the present, to his past memories, some of them good, some not so good, but he evened out so well.

             This poem gave me the feeling of freedom like having a good night's sleep, riding his bike through a beautiful landscape, watching the clouds and listening to a lyrical song, and of course, world peace.  These words are simple things he wants but he's at a threshold.  In my view, he is at a threshold relating to his words and my point of view.

             The memories that were good when he and his wife laid on a blanket in the summer.  The memory of his mom cooking, he stated how good it would be if she were alive.  Then he writes of a fantasy of Julie the assistant professor just wandering into his apartment and when he gets home - wow, there she will be to teach him about lingerie.  These are good thoughts.

             I loved the way he mixed all these wonderful thoughts in such a structure that when he said something about his ex-wife came as a sudden surprise the first time you read it.  That is what made it so perfect.  He blended so well, and I still laugh at the thought of what he wrote and I envision myself as him.  Even when I read it silently, I still heard the tone of voice.

             When he threw in the pieces about his ex-wife after such good thoughts was great, catchy, unexpected.  You are reading along with his bliss so softly, with his happy memories and all of a sudden you are practically thrown under the bus yourself.  Spectacular!!  You are just thrown into the decaying depths of how he would like for his wife to get leprosy and her beauty fall away by chunks no less.  As he talked about everybody at the cafe had to watch her gift of doing absolutely nothing was hilariously, sarcastic, and I loved it..

              Then when he's laid back listening to music after a thunderstorm, how he thought how neat it would be if a stray bolt of lightning would strike his ex-wife as she stepped from her car, setting her on fire.  These are very strong feelings, hateful maybe, hurtful maybe, but still funny.  The sense that everybody  that knew her would be glad because they would no longer have to listen to her anymore.  I can hear Jack Nicholson reciting this poem.

              I still laugh, I enjoyed it tremendously.  How can you not feel the emotion of freedom, of his good and bad memories and the gruesome thoughts of his ex-wife.  There is a thin line between love and hate.  I know you have heard that cliche more than once, but sometimes it truly is.

              At the first of his poem, I want you to recall his good night's sleep but when he awakes he feels like has to plunge through a trap door.  Bilgere's motivation, I think was clearly stated.  All his implications were there.  I think the back story you might want to hear more of, but I think  the omissions  leaves us so much more to think about or compare to your own experiences.  Remember I keep saying he is at the threshold.

              This poem says to me he is in fact free, she is no longer with him.  He has yet to fulfill the freedom he talks about.  He has yet to soar because the memories and what he thinks of to happen to his ex-wife is still to painful for him to climb through the threshold.  The big "but" of this is, he doesn't really want to do these things to his ex-wife or have things happen, but he keeps bringing it up, because he is going through the process of starting over.  When he is able to reach that threshold, and it may take years, but he will no longer speak of such things as he does soar through life doing what makes him happy.  You also have to notice that he says he is still in his dorm.  Think about that.  So I ask you this question, at this time of mind and what he's thinking, does he want her back? Another thought is to remember the time in his life, if he's in a dorm, about his age when he wrote this and how you would feel.  In my own experience it has taken many years to look back and actually have no regrets an befriend some of my husbands or boyfriends.  Is he going to make it through this threshold to freedom?